Dear Lance....

I will miss you when you are in Europe for the next week.

Zipping around in your Benz for a week will help me feel so much better. That, and the fact that I can watch Dirty Dancing over and over again. And dance to Pat Benatar. And eat out. And hork down a lot of ice-cream. And treat every night like an endless and fun GNO.

I will not miss, however, how you always ask "what's for deener??' As if nagging me for food in a fake French accent makes it less annoying.

May you find enough food to eat for the next 7 days, since you have led me to believe you will die of starvation if "deener" isn't placed in front of you every night.

Good night and good luck!

(P.S. creepy lurkers...I have a guard dog, security lights, an alarm, and a lazer guided taser that has been known to kill people. Just sayin.)

You've Seen the Pantry...

...now you can see what we have in our freezer. Food--a lot of food.

I do this slightly nutso thing about 2-3 times a year. I spend an entire day in the kitchen cooking a ton of food. This round I did spaghetti and chili, and then separated and froze lamb shanks, pork chops, and salmon.

I kid you not--I cooked for 12 hours today, with a small break to have a group of ladies over for dinner.

For me it's worth it to be able to come home and grab a bag of spaghetti, cook up some noodles, and have a truly delicious dinner in under 30 minutes. I also love giving them to friends and neighbors when they are sick or have had babies and need food in a jiffy.

Plus, I get to use our FoodSaver, which I LOVE. There is something slightly comforting about watching the air being sucked out of the bags. Weird, I know. Kind of like watching the 'Snuggie' commercial over and over again. Who doesn't want that piece of junk? A blanket with sleeves that's also good for sporting events? Where do I sign up?

Here's the drill:

Toss in the green peppers:

Add the onions, garlic, and mushrooms:

Add the browned beef, tomato base, and then split into two pans, simmering them on a low heat for hours so the flavors have time to develop and meld:

Take a break so Dobbie can investigate a suspicious noise. Have I mentioned that he is super-protective of me? He is the best personal guard dog around.

Combine the two pans into one pot and let it cool for a few hours:

Check on the chili cooking itself in the crockpot. I had to be a little lazy with this one. Cook little pot, cook!

Bust out the FoodSaver and start bagging all of the spaghetti and chili:

Measuring out the vittles:

The result--bags and bags 'o' goodies.

I'm not from one of those Mormon 'canning' families, but I think of this as modern-day canning. Right?

Trilobite Anyone?

This may seem like a rude post, but I assure you it's not. My dad and his wife were recently in Mexico on a cruise, and someone cased the joint and decided to break in and rob them. Once inside, however, this is what they found:

An old and yawny collection of church books. Thousands and thousands of them:

A crazy-large collection of hot sauces:

Copious amounts of beans and lentils:

An extensive collection of rocks and fossils:

An old computer. Maybe even one of the first ones ever made.

And last, but certainly not least, a full-size model of King Solomon's Temple, complete with winged centaurs. My dad made these himself using the face of a Marky-Mark 'Planet of the Apes' doll. Please don't make me explain this any further, or I will have to lie and pretend I was adopted:

I can only imagine how pissed the guy was. He shuffled through a few things, and then bailed.

When you break into my dad's house, the joke is on you. Let that be a lesson to you, crazy cat burglar!

How to be the Hostess with the Mostess

Hosting shindigs is my favorite hobby, which is why I have an entire shed dedicated to it. I think parties are a great way to get to know people, and to start fun and new traditions with friends and family. A lot of the parties started as a one-time thing, and then grew into an annual bash. It may look breezy and effortless, but it takes a lot of work! I spend countless hours planning and decorating for every party. Here are my top ten party tips, honed from years of perfecting the art of partying.

How to Be Your Very Own Hostess with the Mostess:

1. If you ask people to do something for you (dress up, bring something to share, act a fool) you need to give them incentive to do so. The crazier the request, the more people get in return. For instance--I always have prizes for best costumes when I make people dress up. And, when I require peeps to bring, oh, 72 cookies, I give them dinner and a cute platter in return!


2. Have a theme. It doesn't have to be a 'theme-theme' just a general idea, feel and vibe for your party. Obvious themes like holidays and birthdays are easy--it's the others that are a bit hard. I always have a theme in mind, and it dictates the food, music, color scheme, and table setting.


3. Make a good playlist. I'm all about the mixtape...you have to have good music! Mix in fun popular songs with tunes that fit your theme. For instance--I always play jazz at showers, fun girly music for GNO's, music with 80's for Lance's parties, music with 90's for my parties, Halloween songs for Halloween...you get the idea. One of the best compliments I ever received (thanks, Alie!) was when my friend said "I need to pee, but I can't take a break from dancing because all of the songs are awesome!" That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

4. Pick formal or informal, and stick with it--from the big things to the small details. For instance--if I'm doing paper plates, I'm also doing paper cups, plastic silverware, paper tablecloths, etc. If I go all out with real linens, you better bet I will have real glasses, real silverware, real plates. One of my pet-peeves (for my own parties...I judge not for yours) is when I get lazy and mix real silverware with, say, paper plates. It's just not right. If you can't go all out, don't go halfway!


5. You don't always have to go all out. I used to--it's not worth it. No one cares if you use a paper tablecloth for your candy apple bar. And if they don't care, I don't care. The same goes for potluck parties...have people bring a dish. It saves everyone time and energy for everyone, especially you!

6. But do go all out for special occasions. Showers and milestone birthdays always top my list. I never half-hitch it for these parties.


6. Have a mix of both sweet and savory foods. Lance and I once went to a Valentine's party (no one you know...stop guessing) and all they had were sweets....with sodas. Cakes, brownies, pie, ice-cream, and sugary sodas. Everyone kind of looked like they were going to barf. Taking the theme into consideration, I do a mix of hearty foods, healthy foods, and sweet foods. For instance--I always have hearty dishes (shrimp, meatballs, crab dip, 7-layer dip), healthy dishes (fruit platter, veggies, hummus, chips & guacamole/salsa) and sweet dishes (cookies, cake, candy).


7. Have good drinks. I always set out water with lemon. Then I do a beverage tub with assorted drinks--Diet Coke, Coke, Sprite, Rootbeer, Crush--you name it, it's in there. Ice cold and ready to go.8. Be mindful of the guestlist. Friends don't always mix well--and that's okay. If you're doing a more formal party, invite people who know one another and/or have common threads. For parties in a casual environment, I really mix it up.

9. Have good supplies. Tablecloths, platters, tongs, bowls, beverage tubs, vases. I never buy these new or full-price. I always get them from Goodwill, Costco, on sale, or off Craigslist. I once got a tub of stuff from a wedding for 50 people--plates, glasses, mugs, saucers, platters...for $80 total! I then grabbed 2 cases of wine goblets from Costco--24 glasses for $19. Wal-Mart has these cheapie silverware sets--6 utensils for $1. I bought a set of spoons and forks. No excuse for using plastic...plus, it's more environmentally friendly.

10. Never spend time in the kitchen. I am never in the kitchen. Never! I want to mingle and party with my guests. All of the food is prepared in advance, and if it can't sit out, sit on ice, or sit on my warmer, I don't serve it. I do an hourly sweep to check on the food and drink levels, but that's it.


I hope you have enjoyed my very own top 10 list. It's not quite as compelling as, say, the 10 commandments, but there is way more wiggle room with mine. No smiting and such.

Funny/Not Funny

While traveling in Europe last time, Husbie grew a bushy beard. I was cool with it, since that's what vacation is for, right? Sleeping in, eating out, growing beards. At the beginning of week 2, he ducked into the bathroom to shave it off, but emerged a few minutes later sporting a thin, creepy, flamboyant John Waters-looking moustache. Um, no.


He proclaimed that it was "stylish" and "hilarious" and "good looking." It was the creepiest thing ever, and I spent the next 4 hours trying to drive home just how gross it was was, and how I didn't want to spend the next week looking at his stupid 'stache. He claimed I was over-reacting, and trying to "stifle his creativity and fashion sense." After arguing for hours, he begrudgingly shaved it off.

Since we're on board to go to Germany for 2 weeks in the Spring, he has decided, once again, that the familiar 'stache will be making another guest appearance on his mug. I think he's just testing me.

I'm not exactly anti-stache. Why can't he just bust out the 'G. Michael??' Is that too much to ask?

So, dear readers, please let me know your thoughts on the John Waters 'stache. Funny or not funny?

Lover or a Fighter?

I just unearthed this class photo from 5th grade. It was 1986, the year Lance graduated from high school. Let's just say the fact that we have an 8 year age difference isn't the only reason we wouldn't have worked out back in the day. That's me in the lower right hand corner, BTW. Click on the picture--it enlarges! I think I actually saw him shiver when he checked out my picture. Heinous hair? Check. Bucky teeth? Check. Geometric shirt topped off with an Esprit sweatshirt? Check. A dash of flair with the alligator pin? Sadly, check.

The most curious thing about it, however, was the missing student I cut out. I obviously *loved* Chad, because I went to great lengths to show how much I hated him by poking his eyes out with a pin and scratching his shirt. I think the scratch on the girl's face was a fluke. But why (and who??) is the missing student?

Friends guessed it was a mortal enemy (of the 5th grade variety) or a true love (also of the 5th grade variety). A classmate wrote to tell me that it was this one kid I barely remember...neither friend nor foe. So why is he missing? No clue. I'm thinking that secret died with our school, which was sadly demolished several years back to make way for a newer, updated school. I think that's where it best belongs. If only the pictures of my hairdo could be so lucky.

True Love

A love letter (no, not to Lance, who just scoffed at the carmelized butternut squash I served for dinner, sniffing that it was like being given a huge plate of peas instead of something with substance....) for the whole world to see.

Dear Red Mango,

I don't know what you're made of, but you are the tastiest delight. I also don't know how you're gluten free, contain no fat, and only clock in at 90 calories per serving, while tasting like a sinfully delicious dessert.

I think you were sent here just for me, like Donnie Wahlberg and Edward Cullen-- but edible.

I love you Red Mango. I really do.

Love,
Kaari

If you want to go try it, give me a jingle.

I suffer from Hypotrichosis

That means, according to real doctors, that I suffer from "inadequate or not enough lashes." There's a medical condition associated with my cruddy and puny lashes? Who knew??

I have the worst lashes. They're short, stubby, thin, and practically white. I look ill without mascara, and have tried all sorts of tricks to get big fat lashes.

Lance calls me 'Lil Whispy' but gets credit by following it up with the wonderfully fictitious statement "God gave you lil' whispies, because without them you would be perfect, and that's not fair to the rest of the world." What a load of junk, but I love when he says it.

I've resorted to temporary lash extensions to up the lash factor when I need it the most (weddings, reunions, photo shoots, etc) but then I heard about this: Prescription-strength Latisse.

Apparently, you swipe it on like magical mascara at night, and your lashes go from lil' whispies to long, lush, and dark lashes. PERMANENTLY.

The cost is slightly prohibitive at $150 a month. Obviously, I'm going to have to round up some sponsors. Any charitable hearts out there? Did I mention my 15 year reunion is this summer? 15 year means significantly upping the hotness ante from the 10 year. Please help me dazzle my friends (and foes) from Cedar Falls, Iowa. I'm practically begging. If I had long lashes, I would bat them coyly to help me be persuasive, but I don't, so this is what you get.

Help Wanted-Please Inquire Within

Who: A bridesmaid to stand in for me at my girlfriend's wedding

What: Perform all of my duties--gush about her beauty, help her into the dress, carry her train, wear a hot dress, wear hot shoes, dance the night away, eat cake, send them off on their honeymoon.

Where: In SF

When: May 17th

Why: Because NKOTB announced they are having a cruise from May 15-18th, thats freakin' why. It's all about priorities people!

May 17th is also my 6th anniversary, but since we went all out for the 5th (thanks, baby!) I'm sure we can skip this one. I will be sure to send you a postcard from the Bahamas.

Drivin' a Hard Bargain

I can negotiate fine, but there are instances when I won't do it. For instance, when I got the NKOTB tickets off CL, I knew they were great seats at a great (discounted) price. I also knew they would be in high demand, so I paid what she was asking without asking for money off. I was NOT going to miss seeing my husband Donnie Wahlberg. On the other hand, I bought a pilates machine off CL last week. It was priced so-so, and there were a ton listed. I asked for $20 off, and easily got it.

Inspired by my healthy dedication, Husbie decided to pick up a weight bench. I found a nice, clean, solid, brand-new one on CL for $45. It also came with dumbbells and 2 sets of handheld weights. All of the other ones were flimsy, dirty, old, and generally crappy. Plus, they were at least $100 each. Based on this, I recommended not asking for money off, but Husbie insisted that you should always try.

He tried. He asked if the guy could do any better than $45, and the guy said "Yes, I could do better. I could easily get $60." Well said old weight bench man, well said. No deal.

Do you always try and negotiate, or decide to do so on a case-by-case basis like me?

Also--off the subject--but do you order a pizza by the inches, or by the size? For instance, if ordering a pizza, would you demand to know the inch size of the pan, or just the regular size, like 'personal' or 'small.' Methinks I am going to win this one.

Comfort Food

One of the things I miss most about eating wheat are all of the comfort foods...stacks of pancakes, casseroles, pies, biscuits and gravy, french toast. Mmm. I haven't had a good "down-home" tuna noodle casserole for years because it calls for Cream of Mushroom soup, and the Campbell's version contains wheat. However--I had heard that Progresso makes a 'Creamy Mushroom' soup that I figured would be a good substitute if I could get my hot little hands on it.

Apparently, it's nearly impossible to find "West of the Mississippi" (according to people online) but I have always looked. I was at Lucky's in Santa Clara the other day, and decided to just check and see. HALLELUJAH!! They had it. It was a staggering $3.08 a can (compared with Campbell's which runs about 89 cents a can...argh) but I snatched up 2, and decided to make a tuna noodle casserole for Sunday dinner. It was SO good. The soup worked just like the wheat-y one--in fact, it was far richer and creamier than Campbell's. We just finished off our 3rd helpings. It's now officially gone. Recipe below for all of you lucky Celiacs.

Gluten-Free Tuna Noodle Casserole:

3 cups of GF noodles (I used Tinkyada shells)
1 can Progresso Creamy Mushroom soup--it has large mushrooms chunks in it, so I pureed it in the blender, but do what you prefer
1/4 cup GF bread crumbs (could use potato chips, or just skip this)
1 TBS melted butter
1 cup chopped celery
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 cup frozen peas, thawed
3 TBS butter
1/2 cup cheddar cheese, divided
2 small cans of tuna packed in water

Cook the noodles until al dente--it took mine about 10 minutes.

Combine melted butter and bread crumbs. Set aside.

Sautee onions and celery with the 3 TBS of butter until tender.

Combine onions, celery, peas, cooked noodles, tuna, 1/4 cup of the cheese and soup. Mix well. Top with remaining 1/4 cup cheese and bread crumbs or other topping. Bake in 1.5 quart casserole dish.

Bake for 25 minutes at 375. Enjoy. Cite me as inspiration.

Roll Over

Waiting in line at ZAO tonight with the girlies, I saw an adorable brown labbie tied up outside. He looked like a refined gent of a dog, so I tested him to see if he knew the same tricks as Dobbie.

I told him to shake, and he offered up his paw.

I told him to sit, and he sat like a fine little boy.

I told him to lay down, and did it.

I told him to roll over, and he rolled over.

I told him to sit again, and then told him to jump up. He obliged by planting his front paws on me.

When his parents came out, I praised them for their strict training, and relayed the series of tricks he had mastered. But they looked at me weird, and told me no one had ever taught him to roll over.

Weird. Clearly, I'm the Dog Whisperer, but the chick version with supple Pantene Hair.

Pocket Change

I HATE change. I will do anything to avoid having to use it. It will pool at the bottom of my purse, in my jackets, and in my car console. I just prefer clean, crisp benjamins. Is that so wrong?

I finally collected my stupid money jars and went to Coinstar. This service is fly because if you put the duckets toward a gift certificate, you get to keep the whole amount.

I clicked on Itunes thinking I would pick up a few free songs. Yeah, I got 182 free songs, because I had a disturbing $182.00 in change. Accountants (or other weird people who like money puzzles...yawners...) here's the breakdown: 3 dollars, 434 quarters, 470 dimes, 237 nickels, and a staggering 1241 pennies. Even the machine knew I was a weirdo--it kept saying "My you have a lot of change! Please wait while the machine catches up." Translation: "You are a freak."


Even weirder, I brought Lance's change jar along, and got him an Amazon gift card. Guess what his jar ponied up? $183.00 Isn't that odd? We're both change weirdos. Peeps, it must be love.

The best part of this whole deal is that I get to buy songs I was too embarrassed to actually pay for...but free songs?? Order me up a copy of the Cha-Cha Slide, please. Cause I'm about to slide to the left, slide to right and then criss-cross. You know what I'm talking about.

Look at My Hair

What amazing swing. I should be the Pantene Girl, especially with my enthusiasm.

Overheard at Casa de Jacobs

Logan: **Quietly stealing food like the no-good hound he is**

Me: LOGAN!! GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!!!!

Lance: Baby! My doctor said to avoid loud noises for the rest of my life, or I'm going to lose my hearing.

Me: I'm fairly certain the Doctor meant to avoid things like concerts and loud headphones.

Lance: Clearly, that Doctor never met you.

Me: Touché

Can't....Stop....Laughing....

So...someone I don't know (but seriously wish I DID) ordered a 'cupcake' style cake for their daughter. The kiddio loved Curious George, so that's what the nice mom ordered.

It was supposed to look like this mischievous lil' rascal:


However, this is what they got:

I'm going to have nightmares tonight. Thanks cake maker, thanks.

A Few Funny Sites

These sites have been keeping me quite entertained lately:

1. Dear Old Love. This is a site that collects random and anonymous musings on lost loves--those people are sad about losing, and those people couldn't be happier about losing. Some of the funny one-liners had me rolling. There are posts that you will swear were meant for you, and remind you that love (requited and un-requited) is universal. It's tempting to post a few, but I'm afraid "if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!!" or "sorry I made out with your best friend and you didn't find out for years, and were REALLY pissed--actually, I'm not" or "Sorry I broke up with you, but your nieces and nephews wore shirts and shoes with no pants, and you know how I feel about that business" wouldn't be funny enough to be posted. So I will leave them right here.

2. Passive Aggressive Notes. Self-explanatory. And very funny.

3. The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. I hate-hate-hate poor writing skills. It's a good thing Lance has impeccable grammar and mad writing skills, or I would never have been able to marry him, and would be leaving a post about our lost love on 'Dear Old Love.' People send in pictures of unnecessary quotation marks found on signs. I have one to add--I just need to snap a shot of it.

Enjoy the laughs!

Dude Looks Like A Lady

I headed up to SF today to go bridesmaid dress shopping, but ended up lunching with the girlies, and then getting a Vietnamese pedi. Rough life, I know. It was only $20, and it looks great. I also tried to goad Spring into appearing early by painting my tootsies a cute coral color--we'll see if my little plan to mess with Mother Nature works.

In any case, it got me thinking about how the Vietnamese salons always try to ruin my self-esteem with their waxing add-ons. Without fail, they always draw a phantom mustache across my hairless lip with their finger and ask if I "want to wax off my mustache" for a few bucks extra. Um, I'm fairly certain I don't have a fat 'stache, and that if I did, the Hubie would have pointed it out. After all, he went on a date with a girl once, and then briskly bailed when he detected a soul patch. He still shivers when he thinks about it/recounts the story.

What's up with the fake facial hair offfers? I know it's a money making scheme, but I always end up running to my car to see if I have sprouted a moustache, beard, soul patch or goatee I haven't been noticing. I wish I worked in an industry where I could make extra money by making snarky comments....here, buy these pants. They will help with your heinous thighs!! Get this electric toothbrush--it should take care of your rank halitosis!!

Any other bearded ladies out there with this same problem??

Farewell 2008...

We were having so much Holli-time fun that we extended our stay by a few days, and decided to ring in 2009 in SLC instead of SFO. We heard 'First Night' in downtown SLC was pretty fun, and decided to check it out. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I'm a good judge of fun, and that was not fun. We knew it was bad when we all ran to catch the train, scared that we would be stuck for another loooong hour.

Ruuuuuunnn!!

We did have some hilarious moments, however. Such as the following:

On the way to SLC, the passengers kinda demanded the train go all the way into town instead of petering out 3 stops away...much to our disbelief, they actually obliged us. I hugged the train guy to thank him for his unselfish act.


It was FA-REEZING. Here is my FIL, Dave, keeping warm and scaring kids. Heh.


After suffering 3rd degree burns from suspiciously hot hand warmers, we hopped back on the train @ 11:30 PM, prepared for a fairly mellow clock strike. Little did we know, the world's Awesomest Train Lady was in our car, and she let us do all sorts of illegal/frowned upon things on the train.

She busted out cans of silly string, and when the midnight hour cracked on the clock, the entire car went crazy.

After we defiled the train, Awesome Train Lady came around, and broke out some cider. She passed out cups for us, but chugged the faux-bubbly straight-out-the-bottle herself.

After we got off the train, we did one more toast, bidding 2008 adieu, and welcoming 2009.

As you can see, we're enthusiastic about the new year.

Not sure what's up with my goals. I'm working on them, but sort of begrudgingly. I suppose I should curb gossip, but gossiping about celebs doesn't count, right? Cause I need Perez in the morning like most people need coffee.