Stalking has Such a Negative Connotation

You know what's so awesome about NKOTB performing at a private show in Napa? Let me count the ways.

A. I like Napa

B. I know Napa like the back of my hand

C. There's only one way in (and out) of Napa

Therefore, Napa is the perfect hunting stalking ground for my Bostonian Boys. Off I went with my fabulous, voluminous locks.

I woke up at an unholy hour to get gussied up and hit the road. I only get out of bed at 6AM for 10k and Donnie Wahlberg. I tucked my oversized button in my bag for luck, and headed to wine country--with the appropriate soundtrack, of course. I borrowed the Benzi to make sure people would take me seriously, and not question my highly questionable stories.

We had an insider tip (take that, Deepthroat!) that the boys were staying at a certain hotel in Napa, so our plan was to "casually" bump into them, feign surprise, ask for a photo, and then head back home. If this didn't pan out, we were going to wait for them after their event. The concert was for a small group--probably 200 people or so, and everyone there had won tickets. The boys were going to do an unplugged, acoustic set for  a small group of their hardcore fans.

Just three normal ladies at brunch. Nothing suspicious here.

We enjoyed our food while looking around furiously. Turns out our tip was bad, or the boys slipped past us as we ate our yogurt. Either way, we got a text saying the boys were hitting the stage for their sound check, so we took off.

We went to the winery sponsoring the event, but the unhelpful lady at the counter repeated the following several times: "It's a private event, you don't have tickets, security is tight, you're not getting in." Whatevs, lady. Don't underestimate the tenacity of a Blockhead.

We meandered down the road to see if we could at least hear the concert from a neighboring winery. We spotted the tent at the end of a long road flanked by security guards. It didn't look good. As we crept down the road, we tried to cough up a somewhat believable story.

We kinda sorta declared the we were concert ticket winners, and that our tickets were kinda sorta at a will call counter that didn't exist, and that we kinda sorta had different names, and that we kinda sorta should have been on the list. The guard was furiously trying to find our (fake) names, or at least the radio station. I just knew deep down that the jig was up, and I was contemplating peeling out of there before a supervisor or cop showed up....and then it happened. The guard took one last look at us and, UNBELIEVABLY, granted us access. He told us to pull in and park, then head into the tent.

OH. MY. GOSH.

But we knew there were likely other hurdles we would have to bypass. At this point, we knew we had to keep the jig up, and walk in like we owned the place. Technically, we were supposed to have badges and lanyards to access the tent, and anyone could have questioned our presence at any point. We charged ahead boldly.

Only to be stopped once again at the entrance of the tent...and offered complimentary glasses of wine. BWAHAHAHAHA. We were in. And then this happened:

Yes, he was *that* close to me. Sigh--that smile!!!

 

I held up my lucky button, and Ddub gave me a point, smile, and a wink. Here he is below, looking RIGHT AT ME.

Sup, girl? You're looking fine.

The set was amazing, magical, and historic--truly a once in a lifetime event. I cannot believe I pulled the same shenanigans I did in high school, and was rewarded so handsomely. I felt zero guilt about sneaking in, but I didn't want to push my luck by eating their delicious cheese, so I passed on the refreshments.

It was a hard choice to make

After the show, the boys bolted, and we half heartedly checked a few local wineries to see if they stopped in for a little wine tasting. They didn't, but my friends did the tasting menu at Sattui, and we all celebrated our finely honed stalking/event crashing skills. In case you don't know, I met this friend in the audience at a NKOTB show in Fresno 4 years ago. It's a Blockhead thing.

After Sattui, we hit up my favorite local haunt, Gott's Roadside, and feasted like kings as we continued to revel in our good luck.

The moral of the story: stalking, lying, and bad behavior in general totally pays off!!I highly suggest following my example. And despite engaging in risky, jailable offenses, there's no denying that I have a set of solid brass lady stones.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I knew 2013 was going to be my year!

According to this source, NKOTB will be ditching the BSB part of their mega tour and hitting the road to give me yet another reason to live--not that I'm dying or anything.

And this time, I shall NOT be blocked by a skanky ne'er-do-well. I WILL meet Donnie, and get my Facetime. Time to start tweeting Ddub to let him know to expect me.

PS--a tour, single, and album???? Triple good news!

My 12 Year Old Self is DYING

Let's be clear. My 35 year old self is dying right now, but my 12 year self just died of an actual coronary.

My Craigslist friend Carolyn, who has since been upgraded to 'NKOTB friend from the East Bay,' and I snagged tickets to see Jordan's solo show in SF at Yoshi's. He released a solo album, and he's been touring to support it. My favorite song is Let's Go Higher.

We snagged extra special tickets tickets that included a fly blue wristband for unprecedented access to Jordan before, during, and after the show.

Naturally, my 'NKOTB friend from Sacramento' also came down for the show with her Blockhead friends. Here we are waiting in line, flashing or vintage flair. Don't worry, we didn't wear them. I hid mine in my purse for good luck. It's not like we're crazy.

Our first stop was the sound check. We got to stand around the stage while Jordan ran through his song list, worked on the sound, got a feel for the stage, etc.



After that, Jordan went and got ready, and it was time for the show. We ordered up some sushi and drinks. Our seats were directly in front of the stage, so we got to sit and enjoy our food while watching his sing. I love his voice. It's the best one in the group.

There are worse views in the world. I'll take ours any day of the week.

Our cute friend Jen stopped by to say hello. As you may recall, we parted ways in LA, planning on never seeing one another again. But then fate decided to step in, and we ran into one another in an obscure restaurant in Woodside. Now we're Blockheads for life.

After the show, the VIP guests headed upstairs to the lounge area where I was promptly accosted by a drunkard looking for her friends and her purse. But it's cool, because Jordan then came around with roses, gave one to each girl, and said hi to all of us.

Can we make him the next Bachelor?? I would totally accept a rose from him.

I was obviously there for the right reasons, as was Carolyn.

Next up was the one on one Meet and Greet, and photos. Speaking of The Bachelor, I have a new appreciation for one liners. They're the worst to come up with, and they can make or break you. I decided against a line, and opted instead to shimmy up to JK and go in for a full on hug and snuggle. He seemed to like this because he wrapped me up, and rocked me back and forth with a huge smile. Swoon.

You can actually feel the love in this photo.

I also got a lingering hand hold from him, where I delivered a less than memorable line we're going to gloss over, because things are about to get a whole lot better.

After the photos, we hopped up on some seats at the bar, and waited for the other girls to finish their photos. All of the sudden, Jordan comes walking by, looking for a place to park it. We casually suggested that he come and sit by us, and we would make room for him at the bar.

Unbelievably, he took us up on our offer, and hopped up next to us at the bar. I thought Carolyn was going to pass out, but she totally played it cool like it was no biggie.

Somebody took this picture of us, and it's awesome for two reasons. One, it shows how close we were to Jordan. And, two, the look of adoration on my face is hilarious.

He gave a way some signed posters, and did some trivia.

Once the official trivia portion was done, he hopped back up and fielded questions from the audience. This is where my night got exponentially better.

Someone had him ask what the first single was off The Block, and everyone yelled out 'Summertime'. Now, people. I probably have no original blog readers left from 2008, so let me share a glimpse of my excitement from BITD. Here is my first NKOTB post on this blog. You know what I did every day for months? I clicked on NKOTB.com, hoping for an announcement about a tour, a concert, an official reunion--anything. But no. It was just the 5 of them on the site, and guess what was playing on repeat? Not Summertime.

Switch back to the show.

I casually say "Click Click Click."
Jordan stops what he's doing, looks in my general direction, and says "who said that?"
"It was me! Click Click Click was the song on the website before it even launched."
And Jordan says "hell yeah, it was!" and leans over to give me a high five with the cutest and biggest smile ever. Did I mention the high five came with a lingering hand hold...again? Swoon.

And then we all went home. But not before getting in our car and screaming like 2 12 year old girls for a straight minute. Or five.

Not surprisingly, this has only thrown more fuel on an unquenchable fire. A fire, I fear, that can only be cured by cruising in 2013. Until then, Jordan. Until then.

Magical

Dear Mostess,

Hey, girl. It's me. Jordan. Remember when you got this close to me, and then we hugged and took pictures together? I do. It was totally magical. It makes me laugh to think about our good times together. Hence, my laughter in the photo above.

I'll write more later.

XO,
Jordan Knight

PS. Remember how it actually got even better? The part where you and your friend pulled me onto the bar next to you, and we hung out for 20 minutes? That was killer.

Music to my Ears

The following quote is from this lovely man

"We haven't recorded in almost four years, so we need to get back to the studio. We will be recording another album, creating new visuals, new videos, new numbers on stage, all that stuff. I would think possibly a late 2012 or early 2013 album release."

In case there was any doubt, he happens to be in this group

YES!! YES!!! YES!!! A new album means a new tour, which means more opportunities to travel all over and enjoy my boys. Skankwhores NOT allowed this time. Talk dirty on your own time, and leave Donnie to me!

I wish 2012 would just get over already. Is it almost 2013??

On a related note, every time I see this video, it makes me half crazy. I have huge "non-cruise" regret every January. I would do almost anything to set sail on the high seas with The Kids, and I always wonder why I don't forgo gifts for my birthday and Christmas to "earn" the trip. I know they will probably only do one or two more cruises, and I can't think of anything I want more than the chance to cruise with my Blockhead friends and the boys. I weep with regret now!

Why I cry

Hanging My Head In Shame

Dunzo?? I don't know. My laptop got hit with a virus before I could verify!

Me: Lance, help me! I got a horrible virus on my brand new laptop. It blocked me from accessing the internet, and wiped my data!

Lance: That's horrible! How did that happen? Did you download a compromised file?

Me: I didn't download anything! I was just on a normal webpage when I got a security alert, and then my computer crashed.

Lance: What site??

Me: Just a gossip site.

Lance: What kind of gossip site?

Me: Just a general one.

Lance: I'm going to need the name so I can submit a security report.

Me: Er, Lipstick Alley.

Lance: Lipstick Alley??? What the??

Me: Yep, just plain ol' Lipstick Alley.

Lance: The main site? What page were you on?

Me: Well, it was a NKOTB gossip thread. You see, I heard Donnie broke up with his longtime (brunette/total doppelganger of his ex-wife) girlfriend, and......

2.5 hours, numerous scans, lots of "what did that guy in India just say???" and more $$ than I care to discuss, and I'm still not sure my laptop is virus free.

I learned a valuable lesson tonight. That lesson is to only read craptastic gossip threads on your iPad, because they're less prone to viruses.

PS--Donnie, if you're reading this, do me a solid and let me know if you broke up with the ol' ball and chain. I didn't get far enough into the thread to verify. You're the best!

My Victory Lap

I'm no braggart. Just kidding--I totally am! It was a battle worth fighting for. You can read Ashley's hilarious concession speech here.

I haven't fought this hard for a title since I won Camp Queen in 1988. What's that, you say? Your Girls Camps didn't have a pageant? I pity the fool who didn't go to Girls Camp in the south. They have pageants for everything. My talent was fighting off mosquitos, and I wore a ballgown made from tablecloths and tissue paper. My virtue was Divine Nature, and my parting line was "I represent divine nature because I'm simply divine." I stole the show, and won the crowd. God bless Kentucky!

On a roll from my recent win, I was totally convinced that Lady Luck was on my side, and bought a raffle ticket for the "Have lunch with Donnie and Mark Wahlberg in Boston at the opening of their new burger joint Wahlburgers." Unfortunately for me--but fortunately for Donnie--I lost. The worst part is the chick who won is from NYC, and could simply hang out at the restaurant all day and night, and just casually run into Donnie anytime. Being a West Coast gal, I'm not afforded this option. I'm sure at some point Lance would notice that I was missing. Probably when he came home, and was greeted with silence when he asked "what's for deener" in his fake French accent.

So my win has been balanced with a devastating loss, which means order has been restored, and Round Three of the Display-Off--Bountiful Harvest--is up for grabs. Until I snatch up that title from Ashley, of course, and she begs for a Ho-Ho-Holiday Extravaganza, and a chance to even the score. Lemme guess--Hooty in a Santa hat. Sigh.

5 Bad Brothers From Beantown

Last weekend was truly epic. The NKOTBSB show was a dream come true in so many ways. Let's review the entire night in painful (for you) detail.


I arrived in LA without any delays--woo-hoo! I was paranoid all day that my flight would be canceled, that I would get stuck in security, etc. I even thought about skipping lunch, fearing it would give me food poisoning and keep me from my Bostonian fellas. But the prospect of passing out set me straight. Plus, I didn't want to be lightheaded, and blurt out "I carried a watermelon!!" when I finally met Donnie.

I picked up my sweet ride--it had Sirius radio, and I got to rock out to the 80's and 90's stations...

...after spending 10 minutes trying to figure out how to use the keyless system. Seriously--it's not that hard to use a key. Why the "upgrade" to keyless? This car freaked me out.

I checked into our slightly sketchy and stale hotel, and was greeted by this Norman Bates shower

And this generously stocked towel rack. What the what??

But I knew I really only needed an outlet for my flatiron, and a semi-decent bed for what would be 2 hours of sleep. And, it was only $89 a night. And it was walking distance to the Staples center. It was hilarious--there was an anime festival at Staples, too. Half the people were Japanese cartoon characters, half were Blockheads. It was quite a scene. We thought they were all weird and crazy, and I'm guessing they returned the favor.

We met up with the rest of our group, and got checked in. This is us showing off our Five Star badges granting us full access to the boys.

We also got a bag stuffed with NKOTB goodies

Including this cute pink t-shirt

And little black boyshorts that I'm sure Lancer would find sexy until he saw NKOTB emblazoned on them.

And then it was time to get the party started!! I made a deal with myself--I didn't care if I was next to Donnie in the photo as long as I got to say hello, have a little chat, and squeeze a hug out of him.

As soon as we got into the room, it was pure chaos! The details are all a little hazy. If you ever need to commit murder, do it at a NKOTB Meet and Greet. I have no idea what happened in that room.

All I know is that I ended up next to Jon--who is my second favorite in the group. That was all good.

We've tweeted before, but I don't blog about it because he's very private, and on the shy side. He read my blog post about Lancer meeting them in Germany and he wrote back "What you weren't even with him at the airport????? OMG you scored Kaari! He is a keeper! NKOTB loves Lance! LOL."

He's good people--cute as can be, and a very good hugger.

And Donnie ended up with....this. Doesn't he look thrilled?

Looking back, I should have realized that there were two types of people in my group. The Blockheads, and, um, The Non-Blockheads. Blockheads are fun and classy girls that "love" the boys, and go to the shows to have a good time with their friends, but have a real life that includes husbands and kids. The Non-Blockheads go to try and hook up with and "love" the guys. Ew.

But no worries, right? I chatted with Jon, hugged Joe, hugged Danny, hugged and chatted twice with Jordan (Eriika's boyfriend--more on this in a minute) and then made my way over to Donnie for my FACETIME. But did I get it?? Nada. And why is that? Cause mico-mini fishnets was literally HANGING around Donnie's neck unleashing a stalkerlike tirade about how she had been trying to reach him, but she couldn't get through, she never heard back, blah, blah blah. Hobag-Skankwad hijacked my time with Donnie!! I waited 22 years for this, and I was blocked by this woman. By the time he peeled her off of him (and started eying security, I kid you not) the session was over and we were being escorted out.

Undaunted, I ran over to Donnie and gave him a hug. And by that, I mean he stood there while I stole a side hug, that was followed up by a man slap to my shoulder. And that was that. It was wildly underwhelming. I was most disappointed by the fact that this woman was allowed to dominate his time like that, and that a real fan like me was brushed aside. But to be fair, the Meet and Greets are unpredictable, wild, and go by really fast. There are no guarantees. Such is life.

Okay, back to Jordan. I briefly hugged him when I first walked into the room...but he wanted a second helping of Mostess, and came back for more after the picture! My friend Carolyn claims this never happened, but it's clear she was overwhelmed, and blinded by jealousy. After all, Jordan was talking to her, and then she ran away from him. She doesn't know why, and couldn't explain it--she totally carried a watermelon. Haha! :) We got a little chat in, and I did Eriika proud.

After the chaos, we headed down to the arena to grab some dinner, and get ready for the show.

The fans were very funny and creative

We had 5th row tickets. They were absolutely amazing!! We were this close to the boys. Squeal!!

The obligatory concert shots--they show how close we were to the action!

You know what's going on in this picture--a little oh, oh, oh, oh....oh, oh, oh, oh!

This is Jordan, looking for me in the crowd. I'm betting money that he wanted a third helping--and who could blame him? Truthfully, he spent a considerable portion of the evening looking at us--throwing smiles our way, winking at us, singing to us. Of course, Carolyn assured me he was only looking at her, and angrily protested when I considered converting to Jordanism.


I can't lie--I wasn't all that excited about BSB, and merely tolerated them so I could see NK. But they totally won me over! They were fun, engaging, and energetic. Plus, because I spent a great deal of the 90's clubbing, I knew all of their songs.


At some point, Donnie ripped off his shirt, and it stayed missing for several songs. No complaints. Mind you, this man is in his 40's!

At one point in the concert, the back half of the stadium started going totally crazy. Because we were so close to the front, we couldn't see what was going on. All of the sudden, we realized that the missing BSB--Kevin Richardson--had appeared out of nowhere on the B stage to join the rest of the group. Kev is in the grey suit. He totally looks like Christin Bale. The LA show was the only concert he appeared out--lucky us! It was really cool to have all 10 original members on the stage together.

After that, Nick got all up in my grill

Then Donnie

Then AJ

The transition between the bands onstage was seamless. They integrated well, and it was hilarious to see 2 generations of crazies in one place together. The set list was fabulous, and the performances were stellar. Joe and Jordan definitely turned it out. At one point, Joe went sliding down the catwalk on his knees. I think that move won him a few new fans. Blockheads like me undoubtedly noticed a few touches throughout the show--dance moves from old videos, etc. Funny stuff.

And then the boys all joined forces for a few more songs together before calling it a night

Of course, the confetti canons rained down upon the crowd--I love that they always do that

We headed across the street to Donnie's official afterparty. I have to say, for jumping up and down and screaming like banshees for 3 hours, we still looked pretty hot!

I have to be straight up about the afterparty--it bit. It pains me to say that, because I am still a Donnie girl at heart. NKOTB was my first concert, Donnie was my first crush--the loyalty and love runs deep. But this was a total and utter display of D-baggery.

D at the afterparty

It was bad enough that we had waited close to 2 hours for him to show up. When he did, he repeatedly lifted his shirt up for no reason. It was very Situation-ish, and I wanted to tell him to stop.

Seriously, folks.

Just when I thought the overt display of d-baggery was over, he nearly ruined me for life by making the crowd change the lyrics from Toni Basil's "Micky" to "Donnie." As in, oh, Donnie, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind---hey Donnie! Hey Donnie!"

To add insult to injury, he then pretended to be embarassed by the attention. Um, why? You made us do it. I thought the night would get better, but we decided to bolt after he declared that we would be changing Bon Jovi's line "Tommy used to work on the docks" to "Donnie used to work on the docks." Buh-bye. Cue me running from the club, my 7th grade dreams shattered. It did for Donnie what Jordan's stint on the surreal life did for his fans--nothing good.

We did an obligatory IHOP stop before heading back to our likely untimely death at our hotel for what turned out to be 2 hours of sleep.

I caught my flight back, and came home to crash while Lancer entertained B for the day. And then I did it all over again for the San Jose show.

Part Two

Prego Hayley doing a little 'get down, get down, and move it all around' action in the stands.

The crazy crowd--yes, it was sold out--AGAIN!

Danny came up into our section during Tonight, and I got a few handfuls of his arms. He got totally mobbed, but fared much better than Jordan. Some chick grabbed his junk, and sent him falling to his knees. She was probably a BSB fan.

Welcome to the gun show!

Ha! Here we are together. A most unflattering shot of me, but I LOVE his smile!

The LA show was a ton of fun--but the San Jose show KILLED IT again! The crowd was loud and completely crazy. The screams were deafening. I came home voiceless and deaf, which delighted me beyond words.

After some deep soul-searching, I came to the following conclusions:

1. NKOTB are best as a group. Splintering off and/or hosting solo parties doesn't lead to anything good. I will never go to one again.

2. As amazing and fun as the Meet and Greet was, it was an unnatural setting. I prefer interacting with them in a more organic way. It was crazy fun attacking Danny on the stairs.

3. I will always be a Donnie girl, but I certainly have a new appreciation for the other members--especially Jordan and Joe, who really showcased their vocal ranges on this tour.

4. I'm weirded out that people keep asking Lancer if he's jealous that I hugged Donnie. It's cool--we're not in 7th grade.

5. The 2012 cruise is calling my name. It's totally organic.