The Funniest Thing I Have Seen In a Long Time

As Seen on TV

I'm kinda a sucker for infomercials. It started in my youth. I accidentally-on-purpose set up a QVC charge account, and ordered a ruby ring. In my defense, I wore said ring all through Junior High and High School. It even snuck its way into my senior pics. (pics not available due to bad mid-90's fashion). After the QVC incident, I became convinced that I needed one of those sandwich makers. You know, the ones where you put "ordinary sandwich bread" into the machine, spoon in some apple pie filling from a can, and after 4 minutes in the machine, you will have AN AMAZING HOMEMADE APPLE PIE!!! When people yell at me, especially with accents, I really want their product. Do not even get me started on the Magic Bullet.

I realized that my childhood ploys won't work on Lance. To get infomercial crap now, I have to get him on board. Sooooo...I casually mentioned that I was jonesing to try those Kinoki toxin-removing foot pads. Lance jumped on the Kinoki wagon, and we ordered them. Our little Japanese patches arrived today. We're going to use them tonight. I'll post my nasty, toxin-filled, crusty patches on my blog tomorrow to show you that they worked. I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO CHANGE MY LIFE WITH THIS INCREDIBLE PRODUCT!!

Um...I don't really have a "Usual" TYVM!!

I just stopped into 31 flavors...and the 12 year-old manager/scooper behind the counter just asked me if I would be getting my "usual". I had to inform him that, while I may have a predilection for a certain choco and PB concoction, I wouldn't necessarily call it my "usual". Sometime I mix it up and go for a banana split sundae.

Note: Is it lame that the only way I know how to spell banana correctly is by singing Gwen's Hollaback Girl?? B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!

Besides the Great Robbery of '08...

The cruise was amazing. I have to say, I sort of have a bad attitude. For the most part, I think I'm either "too cool for school" about things and refuse to join in, or I think they're cheesy, and thus, refuse to participate. But once I was trapped on that tiny, cruising vessel of fun...I became Kaari-the-Joiner. I danced, I sang, I clapped, I played games, I laughed, and I even macarenna'd. Yep, it's 2008, and I wowed the dining hall (in my own mind at the very least)with my knowledge and remembrance of all of the fine Macarenna moves. We let loose, probably because we knew we would never see anyone ever again. We had so much fun. Here are some of our highlights:

Getting on the Ship:

Emergency Drill:

The Main Lobby of the Ship:

No better view in the world at that moment:

Dinnertime in the Main Dining Room--this was the "fancy" dress-up night. Note: Lance's faux-hawk. Hawt. He sported this fine do the entire trip. Why? Because he can.

It's a little dark, but you can see Lance busting out his best Elvis moves. He didn't make the show, either. In his case, though, the Elvis that beat him out was a great singer, though he stole all of his moves from Lance's earlier performance. ;)

Go-Karting in the desert:

Lance's encounter with an iguana:

And, last but certainly not least, my favorite towel animal. Behold--the elephant!

Robbery on the High Seas

While sailing on the Mexican Riviera (read: places I promise you don't want to visit) I was the victim of a vicious robbery. You see, Carnival has a karaoke bar, and singers can belt out classics all night long. They also have a special showcase where you can try out for a semi-professional musical revue to be performed on the last night. After seeing 2 horrible and 1 mediocre "Madonna's" I decided to throw caution to the wind and try out. I made this decision based on the following:

1. I have a fairly crap voice--but so does Madonna. Score!

2. I know my Madonna. I know the suggestive moves, the voice inflections, the tawdry looks. Naturally, I know all of this because my parents banned Madonna in our home, which meant I spent an inordinate amount of time studying Her Skankiness at the College Square Mall in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Note: they also banned Aerosmith and Cher. As if. Why would a straight 10 year old girl be into Cher in the first place? Who's next?? Bette Midler?

I digress. Back to the boat. I do my Madonna routine like a champ. And unlike the other girl who tried out, no one yelled "Yeah Right!" when I began to sing Like a Virgin. I'll always have that.

The crowd voted by clapping and yelling. Two were eliminated, and it came down to me and Julie-the-other-Madonna. They re-did the voting, and I clearly won, but it was close. The judge called a tie. They re-did the voting, and it was too close to call again. The judge called another tie. I suggested a dance-off to settle the score, and Julie-the-other-Madonna looked scared, which meant she had no moves. No surprise there. I could have out-vogued that clown any day.

Then, the judge makes one very bad decision. She decides to let the boat's resident clown, Pablo, decide who wins. Pablo, may I remind you, claimed earlier that he built San Diego all by himself. He is not a man that can be trusted. And, as you can guess, Pablo voted for the Julie-the-other-Madonna. Boo.

The last night rolled around, and I could barely watch Julie-the-other-Madonna perform. I wished it was me on the stage, and I felt like a sore loser. UNTIL I saw Pablo, who had somehow earned his way into the show as Elton John. He sang the first 4 words of Crocodile Rock, and then went blank. He spent the rest of the horribly-painful-to-watch 3 minutes dancing around like a fool while the crowd looked on uncomfortably, just waiting for his short reign to end. That's when I realized the entire boat knew Pablo was a loser, prone to voting badly. And if they knew that, they knew I should have won the contest. And that, my friends, is almost as good as being Kaari-The-Main-Madonna. Almost.

Cruisin'

So, husbie and I are taking our first cruise. We're super-excited. We're doing a 5 day cruise on the Mexican Riviera.

I am looking forward to the following:

1. Hanging out in small clothing by a pool all day

2. Drinking frothy fruit drinks with little umbrellas

3. All-you-can-eat buffets. They also have a dessert bar that opens up at midnight. Heaven.

4.13 danceclubs and discos onboard to choose from

5. Chilling with Lancer on a warm beach

Things I will be skipping:

1. The hypnotist. I am *so* not about to be tricked into barking like a dog for the amusement of the passengers

2. The inner rooms with no view. I'm not claustraphobic by any means, but come on people.

3. The zany lounge singer

4. The massive outbreaks of food poisoning often reported on these types of ships

5. Swimming with the dolphins. I want to ride Flipper more than life, but $200 for 30 minutes of fishy fun is just unreasonable. Don't you think??

I will let you know what we think of the whole cruise experience when we're back. Hopefully, we won't get motion sickness. Nothing ruins a cute tan like a green face.

Randomness

I shouldn't watch freaky shows late at night when I'm all alone. No Court TV, no Forensic Files, no First 48, no Medical Detectives, no Autopsy, no CSI. TBS is offering up Panic Room, which doesn't help.

Now it's 3:30 am, and I'm a little freaked out.

Lucky for me, I have my handy little taser. It's even got a laser-pointer. Now I can go to sleep. Zzzzzz....

Positive K - I Got a Man

I Got a Man (and he writes love letters)

Before you think I got all soft and wanted a man that writes love letters ( I don't--truly--or poetry, for that matter) I got on the subject of Positive K's "I Got a Man," the early 90's anthem for taken ladies blowing off persistent men. Oddly, only one other person in my group of Chickies knew this song. How is that possible? How did they get through the grunge years without busting out any of the fine lines from this classic:

"I'm not tryin' to hear that, see"

"Now you talkin', pshht, whateva!"

"Are you a chef, cause you keep feeding me soup!"

"You got eyes, but they not for me, you better use them for what they're for, and that's to see!"

I forgot how super-crappy this song and video were. Plus, the girl is really annoying. For those of you also living in a cave (like my Chickies) behold the fun that is "I Got a Man!"

**Double-points to Lance for not only knowing this song, but for liking it. He even yelled "how long you had that problem??" at the right time. Swoon. **

Hot Vanilla

I got these hot-hot-hot Michale Kors shoes for $30. I could cry. They had them in black and vanilla, and I chose the vanilla. They are gorgeous, and make my legs look incredibly long and lean. All hail Michael Kors and bargain shopping!

Holiday Breakfast

My MIL, Bon-Bon, shared her recipe for "Holiday Breakfast" the first Christmas I spent with Husbie's family. It's a tasty and hearty dish, perfect for brunch and showers. I served this at my friend Alie's baby shower, and my friend Vickie is going to serve it at her bridal shower in UT. It's my most-requested recipe, so I figured I would post it for you. Bonus--it's naturally gluten-free, and is a tasty alternative to a traditional quiche:

Holiday Breakfast--serves 10-12

3 TBS Vegetable Oil

2 LBS Frozen Hash Browns, thawed

1 onion, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped

1 cup cubed, cooked ham

1 dozen eggs, well beaten

Salt and Pepper to taste

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Heat oil; add onions and green peppers and brown. Add hashbrowns and cook until they start to brown. Pour into a greased 9 X 13 pan. Spread ham out on top. Pour eggs over ham. Top with cheese. Refrigerate overnight. In the morning, bake uncovered for 35-45 minutes @ 375 degrees. Make sure the top is browned, and that the eggs have set, especially in the middle. Tastes great with salsa or ketchup.

For Alie's shower, we served it with croissants, strawberries, veggies & dip, and spinach salad (w/raspberries, almonds, and a poppy-seed dressing). It was a very tasty spread.

Old Man Williker

In our little, 2-person family we have an occasional visitor by the name of Old Man Williker. He never lets us know he's coming. He just shows up, rants and raves like a looney whilst shaking his old man cane, and then, quick as he came, he departs back to grumpy old man land. He first appeared last Easter. This is how it went down.

BFF Amy: I heard about this funny Peeps thing. You put 2 peeps in the microwave, and stick toothpicks in their hands. When they expand, they joust!

Me: Fun! Let's do it.

Husbie was a little unsure, but let us go ahead. The peeps began to joust, then melt, then create a big ol' sticky lump. Out of nowhere, Old Man Williker made his first appearance:

OMW: Look at that mess! Who's going to clean that up????

BFF and Me: Stares that seem to say "chill out, old man" without saying anything at all.

And just like that...OMW was gone. Husbie look alarmed, but happy he was gone.

It's not just Husbie that brings this unwelcome guest to our home. Anytime I think music is too loud, that spring break should be banned, that neighbor kids are annoying, or that everyone around me is an "a**-idiot" (this is my dad's fave term for most everyone but himself), I realize this curmudgeon is visiting, and I quickly bid him adieu. If you find him making appearances in your life, I suggest you do the same.

A Proper Shed for a Proper Party Girl

I fell in love with the quaint little homes all over Europe, especially France and Switzerland. The cute little shutters, the adorable little window boxes with charming red flowers. I can't get enough of them. I decided to turn the party shed into my own little piece of Europe. I talked Lance into letting me paint it (mostly in hopes that he would love the color and let us change the paint on our house from golden mushroom soup brown to gray...) and I spent an entire day working on it. It's mostly done. The best part, though, is that I get to brag that I did it all by myself. I feel like a recently-potty-trained 3 year old when I say that...but it's true.

Before: A party shed only fit for a so-so hostess...

After: A party shed fit for the Hostess with the Mostess...with a little Euro flair:

I also learned a valuable lesson for cleaning up spilled paint. It goes a little something like this:

Observe Spilled Paint--oops--told you Lance was the more careful/detailed one:

Take foot and stir up rocks to disguise spill without really cleaning it up:

Pretend it never happened and feign innocence when Lance eyes ground suspiciously:

Done!

Mocktails

As stated in my previous post, I don't drink. This means I can't hang with Brett's "rock and roll lifestyle" and that I am always searching for a tasty new party drink. I just found one, and it's really good. This is courtesy of our fun friend, Tiffany. She always busts out mixed drinks and frozen concoctions in seconds. Lucky for me, I had an Apple Mocktini and a pina colada in one night. I need to hang around her more.

Start with a Sour Apple drink mix:

Mix in shaker with Izze Lemon soda:

Add a lemon drop candy to a martini glass:

Serve your tasty new creation to your partygoers. Voila!

Bret Don't Need Nothing But a Good Time

And, apparently, I will *not* be the lady to give it to him. I have been semi-following Rock of Love 2, starring Bret Michaels. Point one in my defense: I'm always working when it's on. Point two: I really used to like Poison. So...I had a dream this week that I went on the show, and sadly, it went a little like this:

Dream Me: Brett, I'm so glad to be here!! I'm married, and I don't smoke, drink, or skank around. But I really like your music and I would love to hang with you and be friends.

Dream Brett: Thanks for your enthusiasm. Your tour ends here.

Whatev, Brett, whatev. BTW-I was going to put the shirtless pic of Brett on here, but I knew Alie and Hayley would be all "Ewww...that guy is gross and yucky!" So, I put the less-nekki one on for you two. I hope you're happy.

My Lil' General Store

I want to run a lil' general store. You know, the kind where Ma and Pa Ingalls got their sugar and wheat out of a huge barrel, and Laura ran wild in the penny candy aisle. General stores are fun and quaint, and they remind me of a time when life seemed simpler.

I love these cute little jars from Anchor Hocking Glass. I want to fill them with candy and treats and set them out at my next party with an adorable little silver scoop.

I already have this barrel jar. I haven't gotten a chance to break it in yet, but I plan to use it to dole out frothy lemonade at a cookout this summer. How cute would that be?

I would love-love one of these--but I don't have a real general store and we have no room in our cracker-box house--so it's a no-go:

Even though the charm isn't there, I love Cumberland General Store. They have old-fashioned soaps, foods, glass items, lanterns, clothing, and vintage toys (tiddlywinks and slingshots anyone??) Just looking at this site makes me want to go back to the 1800's.

I'm Kind of A Nerd..And That's Okay

My good friend, the television, is seriously testing me this evening. Competing channels are playing Lord of The Rings *and* Star Wars. WTH? That's like asking me to choose a favorite kid...in our case, our yet-to-be-conceived-but-already-named-kids. Don't ask me their names, because I won't tell you.

I realized long ago that people, even good friends, don't realize I have a seriously geeky side. For instance, let me recall a recent conversation:

Nerdy Me: "I've been in a fight before. In 6th grade, my friend ripped the oversized bow off the back of my dress right before a band recital, so I hit her over the head with my flute."

Collective Friends: "You were in band???"

Nobody even mentioned my flute-related violence. They were all stuck on the fact that I had been in band. FYI, I played the flute for 5 years, and I played the piano for many years, too. My sister and I created our own library in the playroom, complete with a dewey-decimal system. I took Latin. I had a Jabba the Hut playset. I wore glasses. I had no control over my naturally curly hair. I won the spot in my 6th grade spelling bee. I beat *all* of the early Nintendo games. I was the Editor of both the newspaper and the yearbook in high school. I did the midnight viewing of Star Wars Episodes 1-3. I was the annoying, overachieving kiss-up in college. I fret about whether I should watch LOTR or Star Wars, on a Friday night, people.

Seriously...nerdville. I've always been outgoing and super-social, however, so maybe this hides my inner nerd a little too well. Or maybe it's just unique to find a nerd that also has Tony Soprano-like moments where they deck someone over the head with their flute. You lookin' at me? YOU LOOKIN' AT ME????

BOO To You Lady (IN)Justice!

"Thank you for your services to the court this week. You are excused and will receive a one year exemption."

My services? I didn't even get to offer them any of my fine "services".

Not since 7th grade have I felt so strung along, only to be mercilessly dumped at the end of one week. Ouch. Lady Justice was probably only courting me to get popular anyway.

Kaari + Donnie= True Love 4 Eva!!!

NKOTB...otherwise known as hot, hot, HOTTEST, hot and hot

I worked every day after school babysitting from 7th grade on, and worked from 8-5 every day during the summers. I pulled in some serious green for being thirteen. Yet, I never had anything to show for it. Why? Because I spent all of my money on NKOTB stuff. Posters, sheets, t-shirts, tapes (and then cd's..I'm old, okay??), concerts, buttons, Tiger Beat...you name it. I was a super-fan. I remember believing that if Donnie Wahlberg could just meet me, we would fall in love...forever. In reality, I'm sure he would have run from my stonewashed pants and crying fanaticism.

In any case, my love for all things Donnie/NKOTB has scarcely waned over the years. So, as news of their reunion hit the waves, I have been having a hard time reigning in my school-girl giddiness. Let me just say: I will be first in line for tickets, and I will do anything, ANYTHING, for front row seats.

All of this talk has seriously annoyed Lancer, who declared that he ignored my Donnie/NKOTB obsession all these years because "I was too little to know how much they sucked" when they first came out. Now that I'm older, and still vehemently defending their music and general hotness, he is perplexed. Too bad he learned a little too late that when he married me, he married NKOTB. It's like being married to the mob, but with synchronized dance moves and awesome lyrics directing him to Hang Tough.

So...who's in for a little NKOTB concert with me??

I See a Pattern

Lady Justice has, once again, requested that I check back with her tomorrow between 12 and 1 regarding my jury duty status. I have a feeling that she's just going to tell me to sit on it until 5 pm, and which point she will make me check back twice on Friday (between 12 and 1, and then again after 5) before dismissing me for another 31 years. One a high note, I suppose it's good that other citizens are doing their civic duties, and that crime is seemingly low. So why do I feel so sad?

Writing a Song in Rehab=Relapse

I love, love the show Intervention. Not enough to take up a crack habit just so I can get on..but the love is certainly there. I was chatting with my sis last night, and I was telling her how I have noticed the following: anytime a person writes a song in rehab, they end up relapsing. I think I'm on to something. It usually goes a little something like this:

Crack Addict John 30 days in recovery: "Rehab has given me a new lease on life. I feel like I can do anything. I wrote a special song about it"

"I was running out of time, and God saved me

and now I have a new lease on my life

Now I'm filled with light and love

instead of pain and strife"

The result, weirdly, is usually the following:

Follow-up on Crack Addict John/Singer after 90 days: "John successfully completed 105 days of treatment. However, after writing this cheesy song in rehab, he relapsed, stole a car, forged checks, and ended up in jail. He is currently awaiting trial. When he was arrested, he had 4 ounces of cocaine on him. His wife has filed for sole custody of their children, and his family members no longer speak to him."

Mark my words. The next time you watch this show, and someone busts out a guitar or piano...just wait for the follow-up.

Argh

I just checked the site for jury duty..and it rudely told me to check back after 5 pm today. Make up your mind already!!

Have you seen this man??

Twas *not* his parachute. Boo. Where are you DB??

Lady Justice is Messing With Me

So...I checked in on the status of my impending jury duty. Nada last night, and I was told to check in today after 5 pm. I logged in shortly thereafter, and was instructed to check in tomorrow between 12 and 1 pm tomorrow. Wait and see, wait and see...