So Long, Glee!

Glee has jumped the shark. Last night's episode was unbearable. UNBEARABLE!! In fact, this whole season has completely sucked. Let me break it down for you.

1. Worst couples ever. Quinn and (yawn) Finn. Santana is a closeted lesbian, desperately in love with Britney? Hot Britney is dating wheelchair-bound ugly nerd Artie? Puck and the chunky chick? Will mercy kissing The Beast? Kurt and Blaine? Really? We're supposed to believe that these people would actually date in high school? Not to mention the fact that *none* of them have any legitimate chemistry, and are about as believable as the Fonz jumping over a shark in what appears to be a lake.


2. Holly Holliday. WORST. CHARACTER. EVER. Did she even read the script, or was she just so desperate to launch her singing career that she overlooked the stupidity of her character?


3. Sue. Gee, I wonder if she's cooking up some sort of scheme to ruin the Glee Club. She used to be hilarious and unpredictable. Now she's a stale one-trick pony.


4. Will. Gee, I wonder if he's going to give Sue the benefit of the doubt...only to be tricked by one of her schemes. Again!


5. Emma. Could she be a more one-dimensional character? Prim, uptight, and OCD. Where's the appeal, people. Last season she was innocent and endearing. This season, she's a grating and pesky eternal Peter Pan unwilling to grow up.

6. Kurt. I cannot stand his stupid faces, crappy songs, and misunderstood angst. Plus, horrible clothing, and he always looks like he's in pain.


7. Rachel. Whiny, insecure, under appreciated, and always demanding to be the star. Week, after week, after week...

8. The Music. The earlier episodes were musical goldmines, full of forgotten gems and unexpected ditties. Now they all suck.

9. Loosey-Goosey plotlines. Where are they taking the show? Why does it seem like the writers are drunk? Am I the only one who is lost?

10. The nonstop Asian jokes between Tina and Mike. What?? 2 Asians dating? That's just crazy!

Who's with me?

Older and Wiser

I turned 35 today. I met Lancer when I was 25. Now that I'm older and wiser, I can see the error of my old ways. Like, when I wore this ugly puffy shirt from Wet Seal a decade ago. I was poor, what can I say. My hair looks awesome, though!


I'll spare you the old "where did the time go?" bit, and tell you what I have learned over the years.

I've learned that a predictable dinner at Outback Steakhouse is just fine for a birthday celebration.


Yes, Tamarine is a bajillion times better. But I have to watch what I eat, count points, blah, blah, blah...so this year, I had prime rib in the fake Australian outback. And it was delicious.

I've learned that a fancy chocolate sour cream cake is absolute perfection. But Yumi Yogurt is great in a pinch.

I've learned that my new iPad will make my life fun and easy. I can't wait for it to arrive!

But...I was unbelievably excited by my Topsy Turvy!! Tomatoes that grow upside down in a bag?? Sign me up! You know how I get excited by infomercial products!

Poor Beezie still feels under the weather. She's short on smiles. But even she knows the Topsy Turvy is good stuff.

I know that birthday wishes on Facebook are all fine and dandy. It was fun to get well wishes throughout the day!

But nothing beats a card and roses from Edward on my doorstep. He's so thoughtful.

I've learned that all of my old school Nintendo games are still good, classic fun. I can play them all with my eyes closed.

But my new dance games for the Wii are guaranteed to bring hours of fun and delight. Dance party at my place! You're all invited.


I've learned that Lancer is just as thoughtful and amazing as he was 10 years ago. I also learned that he still prefers to place gifts in bags, present the gift, run off with the bag, and come back with a new gift in the same bag.This year I gave him permission because, well, we're tired. And I did the same thing for his birthday.

And that concludes all of the valuable life lessons I have learned in the last 10 years. Feel free to comment on my wisdom. Doing so will ensure that you get to partake in my future tomato bounty. I'm guaranteed at least 50 bushels, or I get double my money back!

Peter Cottontail

Last year, Peter Cottontail brought us Beezie in a basket. That was a wonderful Easter surprise!

This year, he brought us Beezie's first ear infection. That was not a wonderful Easter surprise.

On Thursday, Lancer had the day off, so we headed down to Gilroy Gardens for some fun family time. Blakely was *very* mellow throughout the day. I mentioned it a few times to Lancer, who thought she might just be overwhelmed by all of the new sights and sounds, but it still seemed weird to me.

The best part of the day was when I tricked Lancer into buying me their huge commemorative mug that you can refill all summer long with ice-cold Diet Coke for a buck. It's $10 up front, but you obviously earn the dough back over the summer. He ran into the food shack for a snack, and I casually asked him to grab one of the mugs, knowing full well that he would come flying out, enraged at the inflated price. Sure enough, he came charging up the hill, asking if I knew how much the mug cost. Of course I did, sucka--that's why I had you buy it!

Thanks, baby!

Fast forward to 4am Friday morning--Blakely wakes up screaming. Not just whining, but full on banshee screams. We went in to check on her, theorized that she might be wet, hungry, cold, etc After a few minutes, it was obvious that she was in pain. We gave her some Tylenol and tucked her into bed with us, which allowed us to reach over and comfort her throughout the night when she fussed.

In the morning, she had a fever, and was acting super fussy and whiny. I gently tugged on her right ear, and she did nothing. When I tugged on her left ear, she went nuts. We took her in, and sure enough, she had an ear infection. We got her prescriptions and headed home for one long whinefest. Poor Beezie--she was so miserable.

She wanted to be held and snuggled all day, and if we were ever out of sight, she flipped out. This pretty much summed up Friday, Saturday, and today--though she started smiling and laughing again this evening, so hopefully the worst is over. On the flip side, she got me out of saying the prayer in church this morning. Thanks, B!

It totally ruined all of our fun Easter plans--egg hunts, egg dyeing, cute dresses. It was all a bust. She was so grumpy we just decided to wait until later this week to do her basket when she is feeling better.

Thankfully, we got her picture taken with the Easter Bunny earlier this month, so at least we have a cute picture.

I don't like the bunny, though. He looks like a weird version of the Nesquik bunny. Right??

Isn't the Easter Bunny supposed to be fluffy and white, not skinny and brown? Just sayin. I was too lazy to shop around for a more suitable bunny.

In totally unrelated news not worthy of its own post, I am down 7 lbs on Weight Watchers. Granted, the first 4 were the same stupid lbs I gain and lose all of the time. I could not crack the number on the scale for months, and it finally budged. I am so excited. I can definitely see and feel changes!

I always knew portion control and outright junky eating were not my issues--it turns out that I was eating a few sneaky foods that were packing a serious fat punch. I can no longer eat: peanut butter, almonds by the handful, Nutella by the spoonful, tuna fish sandwiches, chips, chicken korma and ice cream. Seriously--all of my weight gain can be attributed to these foods. They are all banished.

Goodbye, korma! We had some fun times together!

I am still working out a ton--check out what happened to me the other day at the gym! They canceled my water aerobics class (I am totally upset!) so I was scrambling to find a fun, upbeat replacement. I remembered hearing some good music coming down the hall a few times, so I ducked into the class, even though I was a few minutes late.

When I got in there, everyone was on yoga mats, and the weirdo instructor was rattling on. I thought that it was a strange way start to a dance class, but I dismissed it. After 5 minutes, the lights came on, and the instructor thanked everyone for coming. Oops. I had gotten the time and class wrong--I was actually 20 minutes early for the dance class, and I had caught the tail end of a yoga class instead.
I approached the instructor, and apologized for crashing his class, telling him that I had gotten the time wrong, and that I was really sorry for coming in at the end of his class. I thought he would be nice and accept my apology, but he reamed me instead! He yelled that he should have asked me to get up and leave his class because I was disruptive, and that I had ruined the classes concentration. Um, okay. I apologized again, stating that I was really sorry, and had gotten confused by the schedule. He yelled that he would forgive me once, but that I better not do it again. Dude--don't worry. I hate yoga, and the 5 minutes I spent in your class made me want to drive off a cliff.

Looks like I won't be taking his class to learn how to relax. What a total spazzer!

37 for 37

Yesterday would have been Eriika's 37th birthday. Last year, I did THIS awesome post to roast her for her 36th birthday. I had no way of knowing it would be my last chance to do so, and I'm so glad I spent the time remembering the stories, digging up pictures, etc to make that post so damn funny. I printed it out, and they had it on display at her funeral. Apparently, my parents were less than impressed with a few tidbits they learned about our slightly sordid past.

I've been thinking about a few things I wanted to add to the list since she passed away. Some funny stories people shared when she passed away, some memories triggered by songs or photos. Here are 37 more fun facts about Eriika:


She was a giftwrap FREAK! Everything from the Container Store--labels, tags, giftwrap--the works. Every bag came with 3 different tissue papers sticking out the top, every box had 4 different colors of curled ribbon--it was very intimidating. I wrap like crap, and she was always mad at my poor quality wrapping jobs. She signed on to work at their store during the holidays, and ended up totally running the Giftwrap Wonderland. Surprise, surprise.

We fell in love with the song Tarzan Boy her freshman year at The U. We listened to it over and over when I was there on Spring Break. From then on, we always heard this song when we were together. I would go years and years without hearing it, and then it would come on the radio when we were together. Very, very strange.

According to her, these are her 10 favorite albums:

Crowded House / Crowded House
U2 / Rattle and Hum
U2 / Achtung Baby
Violent Femmes / Violent Femmes
Billy Joel / An Innocent Man
Prince / Around The World in a Day
Prince / Purple Rain
Shaking Family / Dreaming in Detail
Madonna / Ray of Light
New Kids on the Block / Hangin' Tough

She "neglected" to mention her love of Britney Spears and Rick Astley. For shame. She loved Britney so much, she once donned her red latex catsuit on Halloween.


On the first day of high school in Kentucky, she mumbled her name and everyone thought her name was Bertha. The name stuck. Our church friends also called her Floofy, due to the large size of her hair. And, a table of her best guy friends still refer to her by another name I won't print. Let's just say she regretted shoving that entire Twinkie into her mouth on a dare.


I always called her Eureka Vacuum cleaner, a not-so-clever play on her name.


Even though we only spent 4 years in Kentucky, she always claimed that was where she "was from" because she graduated from HS there. This logic always seemed a bit faulty to me.

In Junior High, I was hopelessly in love with this boy who, per the usual, found me annoying and immature. I cut out a photo of him out, and put it in an antique locket. One day, the locket was missing from my dresser, and I found out that she had stolen it to show her boyfriend. She spun a tale about how seeing the locket made him "really see how much I liked him", and that he thought it "was really cool." I didn't realize until years later that this was all a lie, and that they thought I was a crazy loser.

She was ALWAYS forcing me to engage in fake and/or staged photos. I'm surprised she didn't die earlier by posing for a photo "falling off the edge of the grand canyon."

I ignore signs like Eriika!

She learned her lesson the hard way once when she crawled down on some rocks that clearly stated "Fast moving waves--DO NOT CROSS FENCE. DO NOT STAND ON ROCKS." Of course, she hopped over for the photo op. There are 4 photos in the series. Eriika smiling, Eriika smiling with a wave behind her, Eriika totally under a huge wave, plain old rocks with no Eriika to be found.


I gave her a diary for her 16th birthday. What a fool! What kind of dummy accepts a diary from her pesky and nosy 14 year old sister?? Of course, I copied down the lock combination, waited until she filled it with juicy tidbits, and then took it to school to show off the goods.


On her first date with her HS boyfriend, I stalked them with a camera, and took dozen of pictures while they walked from the house to the car. She was less than thrilled.

On the first day of Junior High, she read her schedule wrong. She thought she was supposed to be in gym class, but she was really due in Orchestra. She was already suited up in the unitard, and the gym teacher MADE her go to Orchestra in the unitard. She begged to change first, but he wasn't having it. She had to play the violin for an hour in her ugly unitard. Did I mention she had braces, short hair, and big glasses? She may have come close to dying of embarrassment that day.



She dated the Quarterback of the Broncos. No, I'm not telling you which one. But he was HOT!


She collected nutcrackers and Byers Carolers. Lancer told her that she should "land a man" before "collecting creepy screaming dolls." Undaunted, she continued to grow her collections.

Despite this, she loved Lancer, and thought he was hilarious. She used to refer to my old boyfriend as SITM, short for stick in the mud. She couldn't wait for me to dump that guy. The second she heard about Lancer, she knew we were going to get married.

One of her favorite Lancer stories comes from a visit to our old apartment in Foster City. We were up late, laughing, talking, and watching a marathon of Airline. It was 4 in the morning when Lancer burst out of the bedroom, scolding us for keeping him up until 4. Since we hadn't heard a peep out of him all night, so we thought he was sleeping. On subsequent visits, he would announce his departure to the bedroom, and tell us to "turn it down."

She was planning on having a citrus-themed kitchen one day--oranges, lemons, and limes.


She started the famous cookie exchange in Denver, and I later stole the idea. One year, a friend of a friend asked if she could join in the fun--she would be bringing bread to trade. Eriika thought she meant a fruitcake or banana bread. NO! The woman showed up with a BAG OF WONDER BREAD, and proceeded to spread the bread on a platter. Eriika wanted to kill her.

We always joked that Eriika's kids would end up rebellious punks, and my kids would be preppy little squares. We planned on exchanging kids each summer--my kids could indulge in golf and tennis with her, and her kids could go to concerts, skateparks, and amusement parks with me.

Speaking of children, her children have been named since HS: Connor, Carson, Bailey and Blair.

She was convinced I was naming B "Finley," and even had a bucket of things that she referred to as the "Finley bucket."

A few months before she passed away, she had a dream that she was dying, and requested that I name the baby Finley Eriika. When she told me about the dream, I told her that we had settled on Blakely, but would certainly consider using her middle name, Jeanne.


When Blakely jumps, we call her Jumping Jeanne, and it always reminds me of Eriika.



Given the chance, she would have eaten a ham sandwich every single day of the week. She called it her "ham sammich." I once had a Honeybaked Ham sandwich delivered to her hospital during an extended stay, and it renewed her will to live.


She was totally addicted to crap TV. Dancing with the Stars, The Hills, Laguna Beach, The Bachelor--no TV was too crappy for her to turn down.

She also loved celebrity gossip like me. She was seriously disturbed when Nick and Jessica got divorced. We would always race to see who could break celebrity gossip first.


Her favorite movies were Top Gun and Jurassic Park.

Her favorite book was Little Women.


Her favorite TV show was Friends--We always used the quote from Phoebe "you don't get a lot of doi these days!"

Despite loving the Food Network, and owning every cookbook known to man, she wasn't really that great of a cook. Her signature dish was a rip-off of our mom's chicken pillows, which I have to say sound rather tasty right about now.

She threw more holiday parties, birthday parties, baby showers and bridal showers than anyone I know. And she always went all out, sparing no expense or detail. She would have made an amazing Bridal Consultant.


Every year when the Lemax catalogs could come out, she would rush over to Michaels and grab copies. We would go through each catalog on the phone, discussing the pros and cons of each piece. She bought a piece for my Christmas and Halloween villages every single year for the last 10 years. It will be a little sad not to carry on this tradition this year.

One of her old boyfriends was a little shorter than her. I once joked that he probably put wedges in his shoes to give himself a "little lift." After that, we always referred to him as Wedgefoot, which I'm sure he loved. She even found a golf club on ebay that was a little foot. A wedge-foot..get it??

She made highly detailed gift lists--including links, URL's and websites--for holidays and birthdays. Sizes, quantities and colors were all addressed. She wasn't a big fan of surprises in the gift department. If she said she wanted a green purse, and you got her the yellow one...watch out!


She never met a costume she didn't like.

She once wrote an award winning poem in elementary school:

Measles, mumps, and chicken pox
One of those is what I gots
Can you guess?
Probly not
Sat on a cot
Running a fever from my head to my toes
Don't care what it is
Just hope it goes

I once won an "ugliest costume" award at church by dressing up as Eriika. Amazingly, I found this huge blond wig that looked *exactly* like her hair. Then I dressed up in the outfit her boyfriend had given her--it was her signature look. She was so annoyed by the award that she grabbed the microphone from the announcer and screamed "no she didn't win ugliest costume!!"

She really would have been the greatest Auntie to Blakely--completely devoted and doting.

I love and miss you a ton, Eriika. I'm so glad we have years and years of crazy stories!

Life Lessons by Beezie

Life lesson number one: Skip the pricey junk, and just go for the plain box. It's a sure hit.




Life lesson number two: nudity is awesome, and underrated. It's especially great when you can get nekkid all by yourself.





Life lesson number three: If you want something done right, do it yourself.





Life lesson number four: Old toys are more fun than new ones. B loves the same toys I loved when I was little. In 2009, Fisher Price made all my toy dreams come true when they issued reproductions of their beloved vintage toys.

We're building up our little retro collection, and so far these are her favorites:

She LOVES the stacking rings. She could play with them all day. I lost track of how many times I have stacked and re-stacked these puppies. When I was at the gym the other day, I came back to the nursery expecting Blake to jump with joy. Instead, she had a fixed gaze complete with crazy eyes. I turned to see what she was looking at, and it was a little boy playing with the stacking rings. I sense a future toy bully on my hands. Watch out, boys! Girlfriend has the pudge and determination on her side.

I also snatched up these vintage goodies on Ebay, and both auctions were under $5. It's a bargain!



And that concludes this episode of Life Lessons by Beezie. If you have a hankering for the nostalgia of your childhood, come on over to play with our retro finds! We're (not) happy to share!