She's Not Heavy--She's my Sister

My older (and formerly rotten) sister Eriika just turned 36. Here are 36 reasons why I'm glad we're related.

1. When we were little, we fancied ourselves as pioneers, and frequently played Little House on the Prairie. We were so excited when we got these matching red nightgowns with matching bonnets. Knowing her, she was probably Laura, and I was probably blind Mary.


2. She was extremely bossy. Because she's 2 years and 8 days older, SHE always reigned supreme. If I wanted to play school, she always got to play the teacher, and I had to be the lowly student.


3. One time, at the local pool, we were playing an underwater counting game where we would hold our breath until the count of 10, and then we would spring out of the water in unison (we lived in Iowa...we were bored, okay??) I counted to 10 and shot up like a rocket. Apparently, I counted too fast, and I came up under her chin, causing her to bite through her lip. It required stitches. Oops.

4. We each had Cabbage Patch Kids that were treated like our own flesh and blood. We took them everywhere we went, and spent our paltry allowances on garage sales baby clothes for them. We took a bajillion pictures of them over the years--most were crappy Polaroids that looked like this little gem.


5. As kids, we weren't allowed to eat any sugar or white flour. When our mom napped, we tore azz on our bikes down to the local McD's for burgers. Then we hopped back on our bikes, eating the burgers as we furiously pedaled uphill, discarding the wrappers on the road so there would be no evidence. We also stuffed our pants, jackets, purses, and socks with candy from 7-11 and smuggled them into the house.

6. She's also a NKOTB fan. Their Lexington concert was our first concert together. Eriika had been friends with this dumb girl named Angela, and invited her to the concert. They had a fallout at Strolling Strings Camp (violin camp...not kidding) and didn't talk for months. The night before the concert, Angela called to find out the plan, and Eriika told he she was un-invited. Coldhearted. The following picture is awesome because it captures both her large hair *and* the original NKOTB poster on my wall above her head. Long live the block!


7. We went through an unfortunate Laura Ashley phase.

8. We come from a long line of big, blond hair.



9. Her first car was a super sweet white Mustang. When she was freeway flirting, she wasn't paying attention and crashed into the back of a parked moving van. To cover up her negligence, she changed the story to one where she was being pursued by "ugly boys who wouldn't leave her alone." In her attempts to flee their unwanted advances, she crashed into the van. Our parents bought this drivel hook, line and sinker.


10. Once the car was repaired, we crashed it together, but this one left no evidence. We somehow convinced our parents to let us drive separately to church. We left early so we could squeeze in a Mcd's stop along the way, but we spun out on the way home and landed in a ditch. She only had real wheel drive, and the wheels just spun. We somehow managed to get some traction, and got ourselves out of the ditch.

11. Dirty Dancing was the first PG-13 movie we ever saw. Eriika showed it at her slumber party, and I watched it from the stairs because I was 11. We still know every word to Dirty Dancing and Grease.

12. When our favorite cousin Bruce was visiting, my sister got sassy. Our mom told her to go do something, and she told our mom to "stick it." That didn't end well for her.

13. Her face in this picture pretty much sums up our relationship for many years.


14. But we also had a lot of fun and happy times as little rascals



15. When she was a senior in HS, she entered a pageant. Her violin solo was okay, but she blew the Q & A portion. She got a case of the nerves and flubbed her line. At one point, I thought she was going to barf or faint. This was my crowning achievement of the year.


16. When we were little, we were very studious--voracious readers. We always won the library summer reading challenge. One year, we decided to organize our books by creating our own library in the basement, complete with a dewey decimal system created along the book bridge with masking tape. Our parents were not impressed.


17. Eriika was not only bossy, she was mean and always on the attack. I fell prey to her physical prowess until I created a patented, signature move: the windmill. As Eriika approached, I began swinging my arms wildly in a windmill motion. By the time I reached her, I would pummel her from the left, then the right, then the left...until she retreated. It was awesome.

18. I still call her Coily Head--an homage to her short, curly hairdo. She still calls me Shrump Crump, and homage to my horrible 80's claw bangs.

19. Speaking of said short, curly hairdo--here's a picture. Our mom talked her into hacking off her hair into a short style. The selling point was that, in the morning, she could just "wash, pick, and go." We still use this phrase in our house to bug our mom.

That's "wash, pick and go" on the right. It's a solid look, especially with those glasses.

20. Because our mom dashed our dewey decimal dreams, we spent a lot of time at the library. On the way home, Eriika leaned over the front handlebars, and her bookbag got caught in the spokes of her bike. She flipped over the front and hit her head on a curb. She got a concussion, and was picked up by kind strangers and dropped off at our home. We never knew who the kind folks were.

21. In elementary school, it was in vogue to have a retainer or braces. I had perfectly straight teeth, and I wanted a retainer so badly. Eriika had a jacked up grill, so I borrowed her retainer one day to show off @ school. When I went to put it back at the end of the day, it was missing. 3 weeks went by, and as I was walking home from school, I spied it on the grass of a neighbor's house. I ran home and suck it in the end of a toy trumpet, and let her find it a day or two later. Did I mention I didn't wash it?? She never suspected a thing.


22. At our Ward Talent Show, she played Ice Castles on the piano. Our friend Valerie played a Boy George song on her Casio, and our mom told us she thought that was inappropriate.

23. Before flat-irons, Eriika relied on me to blow out and straighten her hair. Before a big dance, I asked to borrow a dress she wasn't wearing, and she refused. So I refused to do her hair. She wouldn't budge on the dress, and I wouldn't budge on the blowout. I went to the dance with an ugly dress, and she went with a fro. It was lose-lose.


24. She was loud and mouthy according to our parents. She slammed her bedroom door so many times, my dad took her door off the hinges for a month.

25. Before people had video cameras, our parents would do audio recordings every Sunday. As Eriika was taping her portion, I ran up and bit her. She screamed "Aghh! She bit me! Beat her up, daddy..beat her up!" Then you hear my cackle as I happily ran off. Heh-heh.


26. We were serious Nintendo freaks back in the day.



27. One night, we had a weird competition. We put on 20 layers of clothes, including a robe, and then loaded up on socks. We then tied our shoes on, and saw who could last the longest. We started losing circulation in our toes, and called it a tie.

28. We spent a large portion of our childhood acting out the "Material Girl" and "Uptown Girl" videos. We were MTV freaks.


29. I spent many a night on a crappy futon in her room so we could stay up late and talk.



30. After all, she had an awesome black, red and white 80's room. Note Patrick Swayze and Kirk Cameron on her wall.


31. When she was on one of the many breaks from her HS boyfriend, she started dating a hot guy IN MY GRADE. Lame to the max.

32. I got even with her when I made out with her childhood love, Eddie. If you mention his name, she still gets mad. Bonus: he was still hot!

33. I was happy to ship her off to college. This is her senior picture--she was quite serious.


34. I didn't really like her until I went and visited her in college. Magically, we got along great and had a good time. Instantly, we became close, and have been close ever since.


35. Every Christmas and birthday, we write salty notes and names on cards. Our standard is always "KKBWLAH" which stands for "knock-kneed-bimbo-walkin-like-a-ho" from Baby Got Back. Classy.

36. I couldn't ask for a better sister, and I know she will be an excellent Aunt to Zyggi.

Happy birthday, sis. I love you, you crazy Coily Head!