I have always liked the Warner-style birthday tributes to their boys--so I am going to do a good old fashioned tribute to the man that I love. Here are some things that make him uniquely Lance--and why I love him so much.
1. Lancer had some serious BMX glory days. He was a sponsored racer for years when he was younger. The minute he was on top of the world, he quit because he was bored and had conquered the sport. This is *so* Lance.
This is him catching sweet air:
2. When he was a teenager, he worked as a DJ for church dances and had to play a lot of crappy music he hated. One night, after the dance was over, he started spinning some New Wave hits. Some guy came up and said "Gary wouldn't like this music." Lance replied "Who cares what Gary thinks??" Apparently, Gary. He fired him. And all over a little New Order. Lame.
3. He did, however, manage to keep his job at a women's shoe store for many years. His brothers also worked at the same store. No, he doesn't have a weird foot fetish. Probably quite the opposite, for obvious reasons. He also worked at Arby's, and decided he REALLY needed to go to college to avoid that particular career path.
4. If you look closely, you may or may not see an earring hole in one of his ears. Just sayin'.
5. He spent many a year in fun and campy bands, playing some seriously bad music. His name was Silky Snoothy.
Silky in action:
6. He is an adventurous traveler. He lived in Argentina and Germany for fun in his 20's. While in Argentina, Lance convinced most of the Argentines that he was Brad Pitt's half-brother, and was standing in for him during filming on 7 Years in Tibet. Shameful.
7. He has always looked like the hot boy of the moment. This means he has looked like: Emilio Esteves, Ricky Schroeder, Kevin Bacon and, famously, Brad Pitt.
8. Sometimes when he can't sleep, he will come out to the living room and hang with Gogie.
9. He always talks to him before bed as well, and makes sure he is all tucked into his doggie den. He once told him he hoped his day had been "doggerific."
10. He always kisses me goodbye in the morning, and laughs when he finds me with my hand on my chin, ala' Olan Mills. I don't know why I do this--but when he laughs, I wake up and find myself in this odd position. He's good to love me.
11. When he was in high school, he was Student Body President. He also won Best Looking Boy and Most Popular Boy, but had to relinquish one title so it would be fair. You should have seen the girls swarm him at the reunion--why, it was like I was there with Brad Pitt's half brother!
12. Lancer ended a lifelong friendship when he made out with his high school girlfriend's best friend when they were on a break. They still hate each other, and the friend's mom still mentions it when she sees Bon-Bon. Too funny.
13. He was quite the entrepreneur. He had Bon-Bon help him send away for a Kool-Aid stand kit, and he also made tons of money by selling frogs to the local kids. They tried to find out his frog source, but he never gave it up.
14. When we met, he drove a Honda. He would still be driving this same trusty Honda if his boss hadn't made him trade up. At least that's what he tells himself--he rode in it last month, and asked if it was "always this noisy and bumpy." Yes, dear. Welcome to the fine world of Honda. Enjoy your Benzi!
15. I totally killed his proposal game by talking through the whole thing. I was caught off guard--he surprised me! The surprise caused incoherent babbling. I apologize all these years later.
16. Before we met, he would only eat to avoid death--he wasn't able to discern good food from bad food. Now his palette is far more refined, and he enjoys our trips to Napa for the delicious food.
17. He still asks "what's for deener?" in a fake accent seconds after walking in the door. Or my fave--seconds after I walk in the door. This never gets old, let me assure you.
18. THIS!!!!
19. He had no job when we got engaged. But I knew he was destined for big things, and not a life @ Arby's.
20. He was thoroughly speechless at his surprise 40th birthday party. He spent most of the night trying to just take everything in and figure out where he was.
21. He is so talented when it comes to music. He will learn, conquer, and then forget songs at will. I can't even sing on key.22. He has the world's most boring book collection. He also agrees, but forces himself to read them. I would never have the discipline to read a boring book. Ugh.
23. He likes cake, but not frosting. I can't eat cake, only frosting. I lick all of the frosting off cake, and then hand the remnants to him. For some reason, he goes along with this.
24. He is still haunted by the whereabouts of his 2 missing argyle sweaters. He thinks the maids are to blame.
25. At one point, he had a monster truck. And a mullet. Not in an ironic way.
26. We were actually in Provo at the same time in 1994, and went dancing at the same club. He was so 90's hot (chin length hair, baggy clothes, scowl) that I'm sure I had the hots for him.
27. He has the fanciest collection of ties, cuff-links and shirts. His wardrobe is a million times better than mine.
28. He understands the value of "Careless Whisper."
29. He cannot find items in the fridge, pantry, or linen closet to save his life.
30. He got over my lameness from the first time we met. He told me I looked like his boss, and I asked if his boss was totally hot. It was a full year before I talked to him again. I wonder why?? Actually, it's because I had a buzzkill boyfriend. But I'm sure my answer didn't help.
Allright--there you have it! 3o reasons why I love my hot, funny, and amazing gent. Happy Birthday, Lovie! I have a feeling 42 has some big things in store for you!
