Mash-Up

I have several bits of news, along with my numerous thoughts on life and celebrities. Plus, a few new things I love.

It's been a rough week in the sick department here at Team Jacobs. Lance and I both came down with gnarly colds two weekends ago. Lancer had to fly to PDX last Monday night, and that resulted in a burst eardrum. No more flying. He had to take a train home.


"Trains" to us mean delightful Euro trains. Amtrack ain't European. In fact, according to Lance, it's barely a step up from Greyhound. Lesson learned--do not fly when you are sick. Unless you get "super sick" on a flight to NYC, happen to have your lovely wife with you, and have to remain grounded in Manhattan for a week while your ears recover. That sounds terrible.

Lancer--in better times. Germany to be exact. Oh, how I miss Europe!

We are no longer candidates for carbon monoxide poisoning. And by that I mean we got a brand spanking new furnace....against our will.

We tried to kick the heat on a few weeks ago, and it wouldn't turn on. A guy came out to fix it, and mentioned that the heat exchange was cracked. How hard can that be to repair?? Impossible, it tuns out, when the company went out of business 30 years ago. Yes, 30. Because our furnace was 45 years old. On the positive side of things, it lasted 3 times longer than expected. Bonus--I guess.

Since we were doing the heat, we decided to get a quote for air conditioning. I have no idea where my varied readers live, but air conditioning is a hot (pardon the pun) commodity in the Bay Area. It's a luxury that most people don't have. We've been in our little abode for 7 years now, and every summer we sweat and suffer through a few heatwaves. Well, folks, the suffering has come to an end. We decided to toss in a new A/C unit. Hallelujah.

Party at my place all summer long! Now if I could only talk Lance into a small therapy pool for my year round water aerobics. The Endless Pool Waterwell would suffice. I've done my research.

My dream come true

Any of my readers looking to build me one of these? I can trade you cool nights on my couch in return for your labor.

My new favorite show is Homeland. It features an American hero who may be anything but. It stars the lovely Claire Danes as a savvy but half crazy agent, who's a bit of a loose cannon. She cries a lot.

Everytime the waterworks turn on, I pretend that she's bawling over the hot but half-witted and illiterate Jordan Catalano.

You don't have to read when you're this hot!

Speaking of delicious. How tasty is Starbucks' salted caramel mocha??

You should ask me, because they have accidentally given me coffee 6 TIMES NOW WHEN I HAVE ORDERED A SALTED CARAMEL HOT CHOCOLATE. Get it together, Starbucks! Don't make me threaten to boycott you. Such a claim would be fruitless, and only punish me in the end. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, shame on me. Like, six embarrassing times over.

Have you all discovered the goodness of gummi vitamins??

Where have they been my whole life?? I love these things. They have Daily Multi-Vitamins, Vitamin C, Calcium, Pre-Natals (not an announcement) and even fiber! I gobble these babies up, and pretend that I'm suffering for my health. Don't be fooled. They're delicious! Well, the calcium ones have kind of a creepy sugar coating, and the grape ones taste like crap, but they're still better than drinking milk all day. Unless it's hidden in a Starbucks Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, of course.

Safeway Home Delivery

Does anyone do this?? Why aren't we all doing this?? You get the same low prices, and they drop it off at your door. It's only $6 extra for a one hour window, $4 extra for a 2 hours window, and $3 for a 3 hour window. This is my new plan for grocery shopping. Of course, I'll still have to haul my tuckus to Trader Joe's, Costco, and Whole Foods every week. But if I can knock out the main grocery shopping where the delivery fee is the same price as one totally incorrect Starbucks drink, why not.

Moving on to celebrities.

Christina Auguleria. Look--I had a kid, and the weight is hard to keep off. I feel you. However--I would suggest not parading around in weird bandage dresses and sparkly leotards. It's not a good look.

Jlo. You have the worst taste in men. The worst! This guy is a 24 year old backup dancer.

How did that turn out for you the first time?? Oh, right. Paging Chris Judd.

Not to mention that you are a forty something mother, thrice divorced. Maybe you should date someone your own age. And someone who doesn't look like Steve-O from Jackass. Or, better yet, don't date at all.

Kim. Oh, Kim.

I'm going to give you a break because I feel like I hastily broke up with The YMCA without thinking through the repercussions. Whoopsies. Jazzercise was awesome, but the childcare is really meant for school aged kids doing homework, not for nutty babies. It sucks because I love it. The teacher even sent me a postcard telling me I was a great dancer. Doi! Sadly, I may be crawling back to the Y. But you better bet your biddy I'll be demanding my $50 referral for Target either way! Just kidding about the break, Kim. You're a stupid skankwad.

Demi and Ashton. Sigh.He's a skeez. She turned a blind eye. The only real question I have is who told her that this wedding "dress" looked good? It was doomed from the start. Neckerchiefs never lead to anything good. Trust me on this one. I speak from experience in the 90's.

I better stop blogging, and start cooking. Turkey Day is only 2 days away, and I'm going to eat until I look like Christina. Without the spangly leotard, of course. I know how to hide my fat.